auDHD Thriving

I am angry. Yes, angry. Why is the school sending ME so much homework?! I already completed school. I am angry that I have a pile of forms to fill out, with no reward on the other side. I am angry that I have events to attend. I am angry that I have such an intense response to “normal” expectations. 

Welcome to my life with Pathological Demand Avoidance, commonly referred to as PDA or better yet, Pervasive Drive for Autonomy. Whatever we call it, it is the struggle of not being able to do things for no explainable reason other than intense avoidance of the demand. 

I only learned this term in the last few years but I have been very familiar with the experience it describes. In fact, a significant portion of my routine is based on avoiding demands and tricking my brain into doing things it really doesn’t want to. 

There are not a lot of resources out there to support those who struggle with PDA. My culture (American) strives for productivity and minimizes most things to lack of willpower or laziness. Yet, I know it is not a lack of willpower- my hobby has been to learn about productivity and test every tip, hack, or process I come across. Nothing has taken away the aversion to demands. 

What are demands? 

My brain does not always categorize demands effectively, so they can seem to exist at the same level of importance. There are several resources out there with examples of demands, I’ll share some of the ones I face most frequently:

• Being greeted first thing in the morning, as it requires an exchange 
• Being woken up by anyone or anything other than my alarm 
• Any deadline/appointment/anything tied to a specific time 
• Mail, text messages, phone calls, voice mails 
• Clutter 
• Invitations 
• Having to put on makeup or style my hair for something/someone 
• Being prompted to do something I was already preparing to do
• Invoices
• Transitions from one place or activity to another
• Other people’s “energy” / people just being in the house even if they are not interacting with me 
• Hunger/meal times 

Most people do not think twice about any of these, in fact, some of these may be considered pleasant. I have to implement a variety of strategies to get me through these common requests/demands. While the strategies have supported me in many ways, they are time consuming and exhausting. 

Is this just a way to excuse laziness? 

I always considered myself lazy. One of my most persistent frustrations is that my body will not keep up with my brain (hello, untreated ADHD). I would not allow myself rest unless my body gave out. My junior year of college, I would drink coffee at 2 am, go to sleep and wake up at 6 am. I held a job (in addition to being a RA), an internship, a full class load, and several roles in student organizations. I didn’t change my sleep habits until I ended up in the hospital with mono. It pains me to remember how I berated myself for being weak and lazy. 

The unrealistic expectations persisted despite therapy and interventions from mentors and loved ones. On the outside, I was considered a high performer, organized, efficient. Inside, I knew I was a fraud. I didn’t pursue dreams because I knew how difficult it was for me to sustain “the low bar” I had for myself. 

Things did not shift for me until my late 30s when I was diagnosed with ADHD and later autism. Understanding and accepting these parts of myself has been the key to changing harmful thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors. 

In Part 2, I’ll share some of the strategies that have been most effective for me.