auDHD Thriving

I have been hesitant to write the next few parts of this series. It was hard to publish living with Pathological Demand Avoidance (or Pervasive Drive for Autonomy). These next few parts are harder. I do not intend this to be a guide for controlling or manipulating others. I do not offer this as “solutions” or a prescribed path. These are strategies that have helped me. I pull from them when I need them. Sometimes they are effective and other times, I need something else. I hate to say it, there is no “fix.” Instead, learn about yourself, accept who you are, and roll with it.

The Foundation

These are strategies that support me overall. This is the baseline from which I am able to operate best from. If this is not operating, I am not able to sustain things.

One of the hardest parts of being a child was not having the autonomy I needed. It led to severe depression and it almost cost me my life. I left home as soon as I could and never went back. Living on my own, on my own terms, has been essential to my well-being.

1. Ensure a general sense of physical well-being – I strongly believe in having a general baseline before addressing the actual request. This means that I need to ensure I am tending to the “bare minimum” or the essential parts of living first. Most people know intuitively what their body needs. I don’t. I keep a checklist to help me check in with my body. Specifically, I need to make sure I get enough sleep and rest (they are not the same). I have to make sure my body is not hungry or thirsty. I need to check in to see if there is any other physical need.
2. Provide myself as much autonomy as possible – No, I don’t get to do anything I want when I want because ultimately that is not what I want. However, I am intentional about designing my life in a way that affords me as much autonomy as possible. I lead my teams in this way. I parent my children with this same philosophy. There is so much that we impose on each other without considering the impact of the request on others. I have found that that is most cases, the urgency and importance of a request is subjective and has not considered the other person’s input.
   • Tip: Self awareness and mindfullness has created space for me to filter some of the “shoulds” in my life. I have decided to reduce the amount of media I consume because of the uncounscious expectations I was absorbing.
   • Tip: I have written and practice scripts to help me say no or delay committing to a request.
3. Schedule regular no demand days – My son expressed the need for a “stay home day” or “pajama day” since he was a toddler. These are days where we can wear what we want, do what we want, when we want. We have no commitments and don’t expect each other to do anything.
   • Tip: Have a grab and go day. We have leftovers and food that we can easily pull together and eat when we are ready. My PDA child loves that they can eat on their own when they are ready to eat. I do too.
   • Tip: I put my phone on “Do Not Disturb” to better protect my no demand time.
4. Maintain my routines and rituals – they exist for a reason and help me show up to life from a more empowered and joyous place. The predictability also helps me cope with the unpredictable.
   • Tip: I have written down several of my routines so I can come back to them more easily. I do not force myself to follow what I wrote, but I do if I want.

Consider What is Diminishing Capacity 

There is so much pulling at me on a regular basis that I am not always conscious of what is causing the big drain. At this point in my journey, I am still learning that seemingly unrelated things do have an impact on me. While I cannot change the things on this list, I can understand, accept, and/or work with them in order to honor my wellbeing.  

1. I am highly sensitive to those around me and can feel their emotions. I have to be very conscious about discerning what is mine and what is not, otherwise I expend unnecessary energy. I am interested in exploring strategies for highly sensitive people and empaths, as well as learning more about energy. Leave me a comment at the bottom of this page if you have any recommendations.
   • Tip: Sleeping alone even for a night can a significant positive effect on my well-being.
   • Tip: Have regular time where you are completely alone. I am motivated to wake up before anyone else so that I can savor the silence and do my own thing. My PDA child goes to room that is very quiet (thanks to its location, furniture, and carpet).
2. My environment can unconsciously impact me. Having others in my space creates a low hum of unpredictability and need to respond to others. This makes it difficult to share a space with other people or ask for help. 
   • Tip: I got rid of our guest room. The rare overnight guests I host honor my need for autonomy and predictability.
3. Demands that are in the future may have a quiet yet potent impact. The beginning and end of school year transitions are harsh on me. I also note that buying gifts for certain people/occasions can drain me for months. These events are so far away that I don’t immediately realize their impact on my present day. 
4. Changes in nature can also impact my capacity. While I am deeply grateful to witness and experience four seasons, the changes can take a toll on me. Overall, I find summer to be the hardest to cope with. It seems that everyone is looking forward to the things that I despise – the heat, the long hours of sunlight, and increased socialization. This then adds to my negative internal dialogue. 

Additional Tips:

1. Align the demands to my values and priorities. Reminding myself of how the task supports something that is important to me sometimes helps reduce the resistance. It almost feels as though I was expecting this demand and reduces the impact of surprise. 
2. Prepare for the known unknowns. I know that I am going to be bombarded with requests at certain parts of the year, so I tend to reduce other commitments during those times. I cannot predict what will happen but I aware of certain patterns and cycles that help me plan ahead. I rarely see my efforts to prepare for the known unknowns as a waste of time. If my preparation helped, great. If I didn’t need to implement my plan, great.
3. Consider my future self. This is harder for me, I must admit. I try to connect certain tasks to the outcome or the experience my future self will have. 
4. Manage interruptions. My body tensed just writing the word interruption. I detest it when someone brings me out of my zone because they need something from me.
   • Tip: Be proactive. I had a boss that would walk by my office every day to see if I was free to chat. I eventually learned to check in first to satisfy their need for connection. This significantly reduced the interruptions during the day.
   • Tip: Unless there is a true emergency, send a text message or leave a note instead of physical interrupting someone. This is especially important if you are in the same space. This system allows the person to check and respond to the text/note when they are ready to shift their attention.
5. Choose your hard. I remind myself that life is hard, full stop. Yet, I can choose my hard. Delaying a task may result in something more painful. This can motivate me to do it and avoid the pain. This strategy never works if someone else presents me with it.
6. Practice a script so I reduce the likelihood of defaulting to my stress response. Preparing for upcoming situations helps me navigate them more effectively when they actually come.  Through the years I have practiced asking for more time before making a decision and am now able to decline requests. While it has not solved the root problem, it has significantly reduced the commitments that I “agreed” to. 
7. Develop a routine that proactively addresses demands before they are demands. This re-framing allows me to take back some autonomy. This is a time-consuming process and is highly sensitive to changes, so I try to keep to it as much as possible.
   • Tip: If possible, protect yourself from external demands first thing in the morning. I must be able to wake up on my own. My body has always had an intense negative response to being woken up, even as a child. I also don’t check my phone or anything else that invites a potential external demand until I am ready to start my day (yes, I know this is a privilege).

There is no easy or clear cut solution. We are all different and have varying needs. These strategies have helped me live better with my PDA, some have had the added benefit of supporting my autism and ADHD. They will never make it go away.

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